This is effectively just a rant on my part whilst I, yet again, procrastinate actually doing any of my creative writing. It’s my biggest issue when it comes to writing, and I honestly don’t know how to get around it.
Since I could hold a pen, I’ve been writing stories. The genre has been a constantly moving shadow depending on my mood and where I’m at in my life, but the one consistency has been the enjoyment I get out of it. Even now, I love writing — once I actually get into it.
But that’s the problem. I just can’t get into it. I’ve had this one story I’ve had in mind since the beginning of 2018 and I’ve put my heart and soul into creating the world and the characters. I’ve planned and planned and planned a little bit more, reworking the characters, rehashing their links together and their friendships. And then I’ve decided to plan again. And plan again. And plan yet again.
When it comes to actually writing it though, I’ve only just done the sixth chapter and, rather than continuing with the story, I just get this insane urge to go back and edit what I’ve already written. But, of course, I’m never happy with what I’ve already written, so I delete it all and rewrite all of the scenes that I had before.
The worst part though, is I try to excuse my embarrassing lack of writing on other external factors that I simply have no control over:
‘I can’t find the time, I’ve been revising for my exams!’
‘I’ve been at work so much over the past couple of weeks, I simply don’t have time for myself anymore!’
The dog sat on my laptop, I don’t want to disturb him!’
Essentially, none of those are good enough. When I was in high school, I managed to find the time to write a thousand words every evening, no matter what was going on. So, that definitely isn’t the issue.
I think the main problem is that I’m so terrified of rejection and failure that, in my head, it makes so much more sense to just fantasise about my possible success than to ever try and reach for it, just in case I fail.
It sounds ridiculous, I know. I don’t even know why I think like that – well, actually, I do – but I know it’s going to be a difficult thing to battle with.
As I’m getting older, I also find I’m looking at creative writing as a career path as opposed to my favourite hobby, and I think that’s burning me out too. I feel like I’m not writing for my own enjoyment, but I’m trying to create something that other people will enjoy too.
And, quite simply, that isn’t the way to go about writing.
I just wish my subconscious could realise that too.
Sophie's Odyssey 